Stupid Money

I am opting for no fence this year. I know that Miner would like it and that I would like it even more in the winter, but I need to pay off debt. I need to pay off debt and start saving for "Aunt Amy's Lake House" somewhere in IA, WI or MN.

Eh. Divorce is a pain in the pocket book. But it has been worth it in so many other ways.

He's My Dog Now!

Back in the day, I was always jealous that Miner got so excited when David came home. If I was home before David, or he left to go some where and came back, Miner would see his headlights pulling in and Jump up at the back window to see him. Miner NEVER did this when David was home and I was pulling in to come home.

Well, yesterday and Sunday both, when I was in the alley turning into the garage, who's little face did I see in the back window? My dog!! Yup, he's mine. We went for a walk today and he was very well behaved, too.

exercise, damnit!

When I moved to Davenport at the beginning of 2002, I saw it as an opportunity to start new (good) habits. I lost 50 lbs. in 2002. And another 25 in 2003. Then I got married and gained 40 of it back. On a 5-ft. 1-in. frame that's pretty bad.

So, I am looking at the divorce as a good opportunity to re-invent myself. Figure out who this Amy is. Yesterday began my mission to get my ass back in shape. Back then, I was going to Jazzercise 3-4 times a week and in the summers playing volleyball once a week. At least one of those Jazzercise classes was a strength training class. My usual Jazzercise place doesn't do those anymore. Luckily, a woman in my office teaches the strength training class in my building at lunch time two days a week. Started that yesterday (triceps are killing me). The rest of the plan is to go to regular Jazzercise class at my usual place 2 times a week as well. Then, walk/run with Miner on the other days - walk on my "rest" days and run on the others. I am cool with running on the same days that I do strength training. The idea being that 5 or 6 days a week I need to do something vigorous and 1 or 2 days of taking it easy. Plus, Miner always does better when he's had a walk.

Yeah, that's the plan. I know I will have gotten some where when I fit in these pants and that blue North Face top fits that loose again.


That photo is from the Badlands in SD...taken the day before I got married. I was probably in the best shape of my life at that point. Even better than when I played softball in high school (because back then I was smoking and not eating breakfast and having a Dr. Pepper and Snickers bar for lunch - it's a wonder I didn't faint more often than I did).

Eh...

I had a rough night last night...I was missing David. Well, I was missing having another human in the house with me. But missing David, too. :( One day at a time.

So much for not traveling...

...but it was an offer I couldn't pass up. And a damn cheap plane ticket, too. I am flying to Greensboro, NC on Saturday to see my friends Jada and Tim. Another friend Vonda will be visiting them that weekend, too. Chalk this up as something great about being single.
Flight from MLI to GSO...$227
3 days of dog boarding...$60
One meeting moved...done
Not having to OK a last minute trip with someone...priceless. :)

Who knows, maybe I'll get really lucky and it will be the Astros and White Sox in the World Series again this year and I won't have to ask anyone if it's OK to spend $600 on a ticket and parking spot to the opening game. A girl can dream, can't she?

Plus, I now have a "fare watcher" thing looking for cheap flights to Philadelphia to see Holly and Chris and Ruby when she gets here!

In general, feeling much better than I have in a while. And doing a much better job at focusing on the good stuff and not the sad stuff.

Pousson. Amy Pousson.

It's official. Actually, it was official on the 16th. The decree was waiting for me in my mailbox when I got home yesterday.

I am feeling really well. I have a great sense of "good, now I can get on with my life."

Plus, I came home to the very beginnings of spring. The grass is starting to get green, and my irises and daffodils are starting to come up. I think I need to start my annuals from seeds inside this weekend.

Sick, Tired and Sad

I stayed home from work yesterday because I was sick. Pukey sick. Never puked, but did my best not to make it happen. Lots of toast, crackers, 7Up, etc. And lots of couch time. I think that explains part of why my back is a wreck. Plus I am tired. I don't feel rested even though I got a good night's sleep last night. I am hoping my little mini-vacation will help me.

David signed the decree yesterday. The lawyer will file tomorrow or Thursday and I guess it's all over and done with then. Well at least the marriage part is over and done with. The name change part begins. I am still not sure when the rest of my life begins...finding a new normal is a bitch.

Mental Health Day

...combined with a "my sinuses are a pain in my ass" day. In general, I just feel in a funk. And I only have one conference call on my calendar today, so I am working from home. I have a lot of email clean-up to do, so that will keep me busy. And not having the phone ringing will be nice, too. and if it gets a little warmer, Miner and I will go for a walk this afternoon before going to the vet. Heartworm check...and he's lost some weight, so I want to make sure I am feeding him enough given his increase in activity.

I should have the decree back from my lawyer today. That's most of the motivation to take a mental health day. This may evolve into a "shop online for music and a GPS system" day as well...or maybe an excursion to Best Buy for said GPS.

I think it was warmer in Davenport...

At least it was sunny yesterday out here (Phoenix). Monday was SUPER rainy. The demo site was a mess. Yesterday I nearly fell off a dozer trying to climb up to the cab to teach Marcy how to back it up. I got away with a big ugly bruise on the soft squishy part of my tricep.

Today marks the 1 month from having the decree filed. The paperwork and everything should be relatively painless. It's all the other stuff that's painful. I now have all the keys and garage door openers back. If the weather is nice this weekend, that's my project - changing locks and reprogramming garage door openers.

I'm off to get ready for work. All undercarriage, all the time. Though today, I am also being pulled into a meeting because they need someone who knows about the mining and quarrying business. See, I'll use my degree from time to time!

Exercise, Shopping & Snow

Walked the loop today, only ran 1/4 of it. Miner was happy. Went shopping for things to hang on the walls, found a couple for the dining room. Now just sitting in the living room with Miner, watching "Mean Girls" and the snow and trying to figure out what I want to do the rest of the day. Today is a day where I am really not happy about getting a divorce. :(

sh!tty

I just feel like crap. Not physically, but certainly mentally. I am proud of myself for getting off the couch to shovel snow and take down the Christmas lights outside earlier today. This is mostly because I will get fined if I don't shovel and it's supposed to get really cold later this week. It sucks when 25 degrees feels warm.

In and Out of Crying a Lot

I'm a cry baby. We all know this. We have known this for a very long time. Lately, it's just been the eyes welling up sad sort of cry. Not the sobs of 6 to 12 months ago.

Aside from the crying in the bathroom on Saturday, it was a good class. We talked a lot about self-awareness. The whole idea of what you can and cannot control. Which I have to say, I am all about the serenity prayer these days...well, I have been for the longest time, but really in the last two years. When things were really bad, I would just say that over and over to myself in the car on my way home from work. It helped remind me that I can't control other people or their actions. I can only control myself and my reactions. Sometimes that's easier said than done.

It was interesting to see how other people in the class handled that. I don't want to judge...there are some people who clearly "got it" and others that you can tell are still in the full on wanting to control what someone else does. Don't get me wrong, I try to control other people, but I know better. I'm still not to the point where I never try to - no one is perfect. I do catch myself sooner than I used to.

We also talked about responsibility and integrity. I liked the idea that we choose what we are responsible for. That I am responsible for the things that I think are important to me. That I can choose not to be responsible for something that isn't important to me.

I left class Saturday afternoon feeling pretty good. It's about knowing who you are and what you value and choosing to do something about it.

rough spot in class

I had a hard time not crying in class today. One of our assignments is to interview 4 people for our final paper. We need to ask 2 people from our personal lives and 2 people from our professional lives to share with us our 2 greatest strengths and 2 greatest weaknesses as a leader. As people were asking questions about it in class, i got so choked up, because everyone was talking about interviewing their spouses. Luckily the instructor gave us a break right after that discussion. I cried in the bathroom. I don't know if I was more sad that I don't have a spouse to interview or that I realized that I don't know if I have friends that have seen me in a leadership role in the last 4 years.

I'm trying not to beat myself up that 5 years ago, I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted out of life. I had many friends who lived near me and more just 4 hours away. I feel really alone right now.

We did it! (half of it, at least)

The last time I tried to trim Miner's nails was a year and a half ago. You can't see the quick, because like everything else on him, his nails are black. I cut one too close and he bled for a day and a half. So, David took over those responsibilites.

Well, his nails are getting long. I decided that I would use the tactic that I use when I don't feel like going to Jazzercise (tell myself I only have to do the cardio and then wind up staying for the whole thing) on this. I'll just start with one paw. If it's a disaster, I can stop. Well this morning I was feeling pretty confident, so I gave it a shot. I got both his right paws done! I just trimmed a tiny amount, but looking back to vaccuming up the clippings when David did it, I don't think he was taking any bigger chunks.

Yay, me!! Plan is to try the other half tonight or tomorrow.

Reflective Paper #1

I think I mentioned that I am in a Leadership & Personal Development course in my MBA program. Last weekend was our first two sessions. I really enjoyed it. Shawna mentioned that she thought it was interesting that I wasn in a personal development class at the same time I am goign through a divorce. She's right...it's strange, poetic, thought provoking, all those things.

Anyway, one of the assignments is to complete a three to five page paper reflecting on our first weekend of class. The instructor made the comment that any of us who blog should think about it like a blog entry. So, I thought I'd at least get started on laying out the heavy hitters from the weekend.

1. Surprise, surprise...we did Enneagram assessments and I am a type two "helper, giver." Say that surprise, surprise as if you were Gomer Pyle. My ears did perk up when we talked about things a type two does when they are under stress and things a type two does when they are trying to become more "self actualized" (I think that was the term she used.)

2. We did this Lego exercise where you couldn't see what your team mates were building, but you all had the same pieces and could talk. The goal was for everyone to have the same thing when it was finished. 4 of the 5 of our team were spot on, but one guy was 90-degrees off. All I could keep thinking was, "where did we go wrong?" Our 'status checks' to see if everyone was on the same page were not as effective as we thought. One contribution I made was to take a little 1X1 piece that had an eye on it and put a little 'roof' piece on top of it. Sort of made it look like a one-eyed guy with a hat. I shared that idea with the group and at least a couple of the guys did the same, and we got a little farther along and someone said, "oh, I took that off." I was proud of myself for sticking up for my idea...so we kept it.

3. It's challenging to do all this self examination and focus in on how this effects me as a leader. My tendency has been to focus in on what did I do wrong in my marriage...

4. A week or two ago, my mom was talking with me about "bossy" and how when I was in pre-school, she worried to my teacher that I was too bossy. Mom said that Ms. Gonzalez said, "Amy's a leader, she's not bossy." I wonder about that. We talked a lot about the difference between a manager and a leader in class. I think bossy is more manager than leader...but maybe not?

OK, that's enough for now.

update

I saw a lawyer this week. It's still quite surreal. Even though they call it 'amicable' divorce, it's still pretty frikkin painful. We at least agree on the division of the stuff. I didn't realize that dog goes on the same list as brown love seat, bakers rack and TV stand. But yep, I get Miner.